Teaching Kids About Disappointment: We Stand Together Anyway

In eight seasons of coaching my son’s soccer team, I have not been able to just watch him play.

I’m on the sideline strategizing with the coaches, getting water bottles, and going over lineups in my head. So when three of our boys got invited to play together in a weekend tournament with another team, the first thing I thought about wasn’t soccer. It was the rest of our team.

These boys have played together for years now. Some for all eight seasons. Saying yes meant three of ours would be on a field without the rest of them. I thought about it. I prayed about it. We talked it through, and the boys got comfortable with the idea, especially since the three of them would be together. So we said yes. We printed the form, filled it out, and turned it in.

I must admit, I got excited. For one weekend, I was going to be just a mom in a folding chair. I wanted to see how they’d handle new teammates, a new coach, new variables. I wanted to see my son play.

Then the news came. There had been a miscommunication, and only two of our three boys were actually needed.

My gut said no immediately. I called Coach Carl first. His answer was simple: none of them play. I texted Coach Poku, and he said the same thing: that’s not fair, and we’re not doing that. Three adults, three answers, all the same.

Teaching kids about disappointment is one thing. Being the one who has to deliver it is a another. The hard part wasn’t the decision. It was going back. Going back on the form. Back on the yes. Going back to three boys we had hyped up, telling them there was no game, and finding a way to say it that didn’t sound like they didn’t want you.

I knew how much Arrington just wants to be on the field. But I also know my son. He values family, and he values his team. So I gave him the short version: it didn’t seem right or fair to our teammate, and the Cobras stand together.

He said, “Yeah, I like that. Are they crazy? No offense, but with our goalie in the net instead of theirs, we’d kill everybody. No one would score on us!”

I was ready with a whole talk about character, and he went straight to the scouting report. But the lesson was already there: we’re better together, and I’m not leaving my guy.

Turns out, I didn’t need to worry. It rolled right off their backs. Each parent had already talked with their own son, so when we coaches pulled  the boys aside to discuss, we just said it again: we stand together. Then we looked ahead, to the rest of this season and to next year, when we can sign up for this same tournament as a whole team. The boys had a wonderful practice. And Arrington? He barely brought it up. When he did, it was two words: “Their loss.”

As adults we may think teaching kids about disappointment means softening the blow. But, I think it’s showing them who to stand with when it lands.

Disappointment is going to come for all of us: the plan that falls through, the yes we have to take back, the thing we were looking forward to that just doesn’t happen. That part isn’t up to us. What is up to us is who we stand with when it does.

I didn’t get my folding chair this time. But I got to watch something better. Our boys chose each other.

Tell me in the comments: when has standing with your people cost you something, and was it worth it?

BTW: “Sticks in a bundle are unbreakable.” – African Proverb

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