International Widows’ Day: How My Mother Finds The Courage To Move Forward After Becoming A Widow For The Second Time

As we approach International Widows’ Day, I sat down with my mom, Ramonia Webster Robinson, who understands all too well what it means to be a widow.

International Widows’ Day is observed every June 23rd to bring attention to some of the realities, experiences, and challenges affecting widowed women around the world and what must be done to protect and advance their rights.

According to the United Nations, there is an estimated 258 million widows around the world, and nearly one in ten live in extreme poverty. In the United States, 1 million women become widowed every year.  Unfortunately my mother was amongst last year’s count when she became a widow for the second time.

Her story is one of love, loss, triumph, and the power of faith.

After becoming a widow for the first time, two weeks shy of her 34th birthday, two young children to support, against all odds, she was able to rise to unimaginable heights.

When she was ready for love again, she found a partner whom she trusted and was able to build a successful business and life with for over 25 years until, his death this past October.

Ramonia is no stranger to the loneliness, grief, casting aside, and economical insecurities that many widowed women around the world face. In honor of healing, empowering, and bringing awareness, here is that interview:

1. Can you tell us a little about your journey since losing your spouse(s)?
Answer: Nothing I could have expected. With both your Dad or your Pops.
It started at the age of 33 when I lost my first husband (Dad).  At that time it was unbelievably rough. We were moderately accomplished for a young couple. But we were just starting to really build something. We had you guys (2 young children) just trying to juggle life. Suddenly, I had to figure it out, essentially on my own.

2. How did you cope with all of that at such a young age?
Answer: You make things happen, that’s what you do in life.  Life is like a deck of cards. Sometimes you’re dealt a trump hand, but not always. Any given day you can have a different hand. But, in order to come out victorious, you have to play the hand you’re dealt at that particular time to the best of your abilities.
I found myself plenty of days not knowing, how, when, or what. Praying to God and thinking, if I can just get through this day Lord.
I first learned in the sobriety classes with your dad the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Since then it has really been a beacon and motto I constantly recite in my life.

3. Given Daddy’s fight and struggle with addiction, had you ever allowed your mind/preparation go there to his potential death?
Answer: No, I never would have thought. We were somewhat estranged, but always friends and in contact. We were working out ourselves. But he called in the middle of the night to dedicate a song on the radio, “Always and Forever” by Heatwave. He said he loved us and I won’t see you anymore. About 2 weeks later, I received the call he had passed.

4. Now 34 years old, a widow, with a 12 yr old daughter (me), and a 7 yr old son. What was life for you like in the immediate weeks/months after Daddy’s death?
Answer: That was very hard. I am trying to stay in you guys head to see how yall were. I did not have a lot of time to grieve in the awake hours: work, you guys, day to day routine. But for a year plus, your dad came to me almost every night. I looked forward to going to sleep because I knew I would get to see him and talk to him and that was our time together.
I spent a lot of nights talking to him: whether asking him why (we were best friends enjoying life, why), letting him know how you guys and the family was doing, that is what helped me to close that book as much as I could.

5. Were those dreams and conversations how you got through the stages of grief?
Answer: The dreams were very vivid. I always remembered the dreams. So, Yes It was a way to keep his presence, it was comforting, I could get answers. Process it my way.
I was straight up angry at first. You decided to leave me with them and now I have to figure this out on my own..I need answers.
Through him coming to me in these dreams I was able to get the answers I needed.  That is how I moved through the grievance process and I was able close this chapter.
Going through the steps in sobriety with your dad also helped. With all that, I was also able to come to an understanding that drug addiction is a disease and to forgive. It was my way of coping.

6. How did the day to day routine of life change after Dad’s death?
Answer: I relied on you to help with your brother because at the time I was the only income. Although an accomplishment, being both the first black female postal letter carrier and supervisor  in a small southern town, came with some backlash.
It was a struggle and I knew I had to depend on you (mostly) and your brother. Not financially, but I saw you guys were fighters and we were going to be alright.  

7. Was there a lot of chatter, shame, and outcasting once people knew dad had died of suicide?
Answer: Initially, there was some shame. But more so it was concern for the shame that you and your brother may have to carry.
I did everything not to allow myself to get too down because I knew yall needed me.  Any time I would get down, I would look at you guys. And I would go back to the serenity prayer.
No one really knows what to say or how it feels. But the family support continued as it always had, and now even more so. Very thankful for your Aunt Phil, Cousin D, and my mother as we all lived together at the time, and thus I was able to have some breathing time, social time with my friends and try to enjoy life.  But the lonesomeness would kick back in when I got home and put that key in the lock.

8. Did you feel guilty for having fun, living?
Answer: I did because the fun I use to share since high school, before we even knew where our lives would be, was with your dad.

9. How did you not succumb to the loneliness in a negative way? How were you able to move forward?
Answer: I have always been a leader type and the family says I’m always in someone’s business. I feel God had always chose me to help, so I would dive into being into someone else’s business. lol
And again, you children. Trying to keep yall on the right path. Preparing myself when you come to me regarding the circumstances and the shame around suicide. Because especially back then, a black man…we do not talk about that. But I have to accept that and I was more determined to be able to guide yall through that taboo topic. Your father loved you! Loved you both! Making sure yall knew all of who he is, not just how he died. 

10. It is not a privilege of many widows, world wide, to be financially stable after losing a spouse, especially at such a young age, how were you able to manage?
Answer: I was educated on finances. Going back a little, your father and I were working hard and enjoying some of the “American Dream”, but I have always been a proactive person. Your dad allowed me to be over the finances because I was just better at that job. I remember calling a debtor telling them my sad story, trying to get ahead of the collectors. When I called the mortgage company the response was, “ok you are not dead. So you need to get off your lazy ass, stop watching soap operas, and pay your bills, whatever it takes.”
I thought, say less, bet! That changed everything for me. You can always show a person better than you can tell them.

11. Did you think it was possible to find love again after losing Daddy, your best friend?
Answer: Yes and no. I have always been a family person so the family kept my cup full of love which would have been enough, and at the time it was. I was entertained enough to know that when I was ready to attempt another relationship, the fish were biting. lol
Plus you and your brother would give anybody attitude just for looking or speaking to me. With just a look from yall, they knew not to come around here.

12. That leads to..how did we allow Pops to come around?
Answer: Your dad had been deceased for about a year when I first met Jeri’L, but it would take a few years before we started dating. I told him I have two “special children” that are not going to allow it.
I was not looking to rush into anything, nor a “new dad” for you guys.
It would be big shoes to fill not just from us, but the entire family that loved your dad.
It was not a bad thing that your Pops  smelt great, and was good looking. So one way or another, I was going to help him make the cut.lol
I was rooting for him, coaching him what to say and who to say it to.

13. Although different diseases took their lives, the relatively suddenity of their deaths is similar. How was Pops death different for you?
Answer: Now being in the health care field for over 20 years (a business your Pops and I started together), when Pops was given the diagnosis of metastasis cancer, although on treatment and given a good prognosis, I was always fearful, waiting for the shoe to drop. I just kept telling myself, he is not a sick person.

14. When you received the news, saw the X-ray with all the tumors where the cancer had come back and spread, and there is nothing that can be done, how was that emotionally?
Answer: My heart dropped. I knew. Here death is again to take another best friend.
It was not as bad as with your Dad though, because your dad struggled for so long with addiction.
Now watching your Pops, I knew I did not want to see him suffering. 

15. Your second husband, Pops, died 4 hours prior to your oldest brother Dale, how has grieving those deaths been?
Answer: It has been rough. With your dad I had a much stronger purpose, you guys. But this time around I had to find a purpose. That was your Granny. She had moved in with us before your Pops died, and I am now her primary caretaker. The strongest hold I have in my life now is sick. Mother is sick. Im taking care of her, but the lonesomeness is there.

16. Given the dreadful diagnosis of Pops and the suddenity of Dad’s death, did you allow yourself to go there this time around?
Answer: Yes. I had to stop being selfish. Praying for him to stay here regardless of the pain. But we have unfinished business.I’m thinking Oh my God what is my life going to be like.

17. How has this grieving process been different this second time around?
Answer: I was more angry with your Dad (at that time), than I was with your Pops.
I started my grieving process before your Pops died. Pop’s death brought up feelings and sadness of your Dad. Both of my loves just leave me. Not only do I miss Pops, I miss your Dad.
From age of 17 to 63, for the most part, I have been in a relationship with these wonderful men.
I do not have young children, I am more financially established this time around so some of those burdens and struggles I had with your Dad are not there this time around. But I am still working through the grieving stages.
I have realized illness is illness, loss is loss. Both your Dad and Pops were sick and are missed.

18. Do you have dreams with Pops?
Answer: No I do not.  Although I feel we had many more chapters. I am trying to write a closure to this chapter the best I can.

19. What has been your coping mechanism with the loss of Pops?
Answer: The kids, grandchildren, because family is so important, that really helps me. Looking after your Granny keeps me busy. Talking to your Pops in the awake hours as I am trying to figure out how to do things around the house that your Pops would normally do helps. I am both angered and provided confidence that I can do it, once I figure it out.
I still smell your Pops and I open his closet to smell him. Everything is still like he left it. I’m getting better each day because I know I don’t have a choice.
I get out the house and travel with girlfriends. Although it is nothing like traveling with your Pops. We had fun traveling together.

20. Since Pops’ death, have you tried to put a time line or compare this grieving process to the process with Daddy?
Answer: No. I have taken this as it’s own new process and taking it as it comes.

21. You mentioned your girlfriends. Having the support system of your girlfriends, some of which have gone through both deaths with you, what has that meant to you?
Answer: I would say when it really comes down to it, having them has been the most supportive. Not that your granny is not purposeful, but she depends on me. With my girlfriends I can depend on them. They call, they show up, they bring food. So much so, I have had to tell them sometimes, don’t come here today. I have not finished the food yall brought last time. But their support has been great.

22. As your daughter watching you, seeing you fighting to live, it is inspiring. Do you feel it that way?  Do you feel guilty living this time around?
Answer: I said I have to live!  It is what I know to do.
Your Pops and I worked hard, built a great life, and enjoyed that life together.
 I was present and putting into our life together. I gave your Pops his flowers while he was alive. So I have nothing to regret or feel guilty for.
I told him I would send him away first class, and I did (he deserved it). He and I talked and he knew and believed in me always. So no. I promised him I would continue to live life.
I take the memories and move forward.

23. Can you share one of your favorite memories with both of them?
Answer: With your dad, he was sooo proud to have you guys and to be a father…ALLLL the time. We didn’t have a whole lot, but we had love and had a good time.  But a moment that had me in awe of him. When we were teens (not married yet, no children) we worked at Handy Dan, and there was a bust of some of the employees doing some shady dealings. So they called us one at a time in the office. They called me in. There were about three men interrogating me and accusing me. I was crying and finally got a chance to call your Dad (who worked there as well). He came up there (he was off that day) and all I know is he whipped that man for accusing me, holding me in a room alone, and making me cry. Well, he was my hero!

With your Pops, we hadn’t married yet, but you know, the ladies love Jeri’L and there was some hating going on. Why would he want a widow mail carrier with two children. But Pops always made me feel secure as though I was the prize and reassuring me. His love for you guys made me feel comfortable and relaxed. I now had someone who was willing and able to share this load. He had me. I had a friend in him. He would always ask how I was doing, how I was feeling and that was everything.

Some people live a lifetime and dont have one love. I am 64 and I have had two in that many years of life. So Lord, thank you. I feel blessed that in my life time I have had two amazing loves of my life.

24. Have there been any unexpected positives or growth that came from this experience?
Answer: I have learned to use Youtube! Something as simple as cleaning the pool, we were a team, that’s how we were with most things to get it accomplished. Pops would clean and change the filters, I was over the chemicals.
After he died, I went out there to change a filter and could not get it the top off and I just started sobbing. I took my moment and thought…Youtube…
When I think, how am I going to keep the house up by myself, I’m scared of a wasp, I’m scared of this..now, I tell with myself, you better get to it!
But I have gained confidence that even at this age, I am able to do it and get it done. I try to take the negative and replace it with positive thoughts.

25. How did you first hear about International Widows’ Day?
Answer: From you. All I knew, I was the only mid-thirty year old I knew , to become a widow. I know the journey and struggles I had and I also know the support and the “privileges” I have, that others may not have.

26. As we look ahead to International Widows’ Day, is there any advice that has been helpful to you? What would you tell a recent widow?
Answer: Keep moving forward! Fear of the unknown is scary. I am a witness that no matter what, you can make it.  The first time I became a widow, I was just starting my life: young, with young children, a black woman, financially living paycheck to paycheck, but do not let the obstacles get you down “…as I walk through the shadow of death, I fear no evil…”
I know there is a death that has occurred and a part of you has died, but I know God is there and you have to believe that to be true.
Don’t look back, don’t give up. Look at the steps in front of you. You have to look ahead to move ahead.
The second time around. Although yes, very sad I had been here before and know I will come out because He has been with me along the journey.

27. It has been 30 years since Dad died and we will be approaching a year since Pops’ death. The second half of the calendar year holds the holiday seasons, both of their birthdays. Are you dreading that?
Answer: No, I view every day as the same. No day necessarily more special than another, so I do not foresee the holiday season being any harder than any other season.
I will say that I had never realized how much your Pops loved for me to put up the Christmas tree and decoration (I always did it automatically because of you guys and the grandbabies). So when he was first diagnosed with cancer, I told him I was not putting it up (just because of how taxing it can be), and he looked so sad. He didn’t argue or debate, he just looked so sad.  I didn’t know or think he cared one way or another. I knew he was not going to say anything, so I decorated, for him.. he thanked me!
So as long as I am able, I will put up the tree and decorations because I know now how much he loves it. This past christmas helped me. it was rough because I had to get everything down without your Pops. But I felt I had to do it, I wanted to do it, even though it was such a short time from his death.
In fact both your dads loved the Christmas holiday. So that is a way to honor and remember them.

28. As we wrap up is there anything else you would like to say?
Answer: God forbid, if you ever find yourself with the title widow, it is like any other situation or title. There is no manual. No one can tell you how and when to grieve. Do not give up. I wish you Love, Peace, and Soul.

Too many widowed women are left in the shadows, facing hardship and grieving.  The resilience, faith and courage that my mother has shown through both losses is remarkable.  Although her story is one of triumph and overcoming, that sadly is not always the case.

It was our intention to share a life story of love, hope, healing, and tenacity, while also spreading awareness to the widowed community around the world. To all those who wear the title “Widow”, you are seen.

We wish you healing, hope, support, and love.

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